"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly."--Langston Hughes
Approximately 12 hours ago, I graduated from the University of Illinois with a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Painting. That means that after 4 years, it's time to start the proverbial new chapter, and the new blog.
Goodbye, everybody! You've been great, and I hope to see you all at my new blog ;P
This is insane. I haven't updated since New Year's Day? Wow. And now it's May 8th, more than 4 months later. An entire semester has gone by in this time and so much has happened, including my first ever solo art show. There is a lot that I can blog about, but where on earth would I start?
Well, even though it's been so long since I last posted, it's probably a good idea for me to inform you all of a promise I made with myself: Once I've graduated from college, I will officially begin a new blog at another site. It's nothing against Tabulas. It just seems appropriate, considering I began this very blog on the precipice of high school graduation.
And college graduation, my friends, is but 4 days away.
January 1st, the first day of the new year and a new beginning. Yeah...I could use one of those right about now.
While 2007 wasn't wholly a bad year, it ended badly enough where as I've been feeling pretty down. I'm not really going to get into the specifics only because I'm a little tired of discussing or even just thinking about it all, and I want to move on. So, sorry if anything I say leaves you feeling confused.
Anyway, yes, the year ended badly because there was yet another incident...and then another one. There always are. Year after year. It's to be expected. In comparison to those other years, however, I suppose you can say that this time wasn't as...traumatizing? I mean, I'm "used to it" so I wasn't so much traumatized as I was frustrated and angry.
Now while I think at the very base I'm the same person I've always been, at the same time I think I've grown a lot over the last few years. I mean, I know I have a whole slew of faults (and I always will), but I feel like my capacity for patience, understanding, love (of all types), empathy etc. has expanded and matured. So have my personal philosophies and outlooks on life. Like...well, I don't really know how to explain it, but...You know that feeling of darkness and hopelessness (or extreme cynicism even) that you feel when life seems to take a nose dive into the ground? That's something I used to feel a lot--every time there was another curve ball thrown in my direction that would wind up hitting me in the face. Well, in the last few years, I haven't felt that once...and there was a lot of bad shiz that went down in the last few years.
That's not to say that I don't feel a little down from time to time. I just feel like I'm at a point where even when things get really ugly, I'm able to get back up and keep moving. I stay positive (for the most part) and I don't dwell on things like I used to because that isn't going to solve anything. I can't expect things to get better unless I make the effort, right? And while I'm not sure of where I'm supposed to be, I'm determined to find a place for myself.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, even with that mentality, I'm still feeling a little down. Despite removing myself from the situation and spending a few days alone at the apartment (yup, back on campus waaay early), there are still some lingering, residual feelings of frustration and sadness. To be honest though, I think those feelings have less to do with the specific incident and more to do with this relentless cycle. It's just sad how a time that brings so much joy and warmth to so many people has become the time when I seem to feel the most unhappiness.
I'm just really in need of a fresh start. And maybe some friends (not necessarily new friends--just friends). I don't know. I mean, I do think this time alone has been good for me but by now maybe I'm just feeling a little lonely. lol. I don't regret whatsoever coming back to campus this early though. I needed that time alone. I needed time to find a little peace. And I don't plan on going back to Chicago anytime before the start of the spring semester. My LAST semester. EVER. Unless I go to grad school anyway...
*sigh* My thoughts are pretty scattered right now so I'm sorry that this entry is so poorly written. Bleh. Forgive me.
Even though this may sound half hearted and ironic, I sincerely hope that everyone had a happy (or better yet, content) New Years and that peace, good health, good fortune and love will find you all in this upcoming year.
Peace Out
I am not one to curse much. I mean, despite my age, God knows it's practically impossible for me to drop an F-bomb much less a shiznit. And if you couldn't tell already, I even have reservations about typing them out. Weird? No doubt.
So, all things considered, if I ever do let one out, it can really only mean one of two things:
1.) My tongue became paralyzed and I couldn't force out the "n" necessary in the word "Funk" (And variations of that word exist in my vernacular so this is pretty plausible)
2.) I am so upset or frustrated that I have temporarily lost touch with my humanity and have emerged as a vengeful beast ready to tear the flesh off of anyone who gets too close.
Now, having said that, let me just ask one question... Do you ever feel like standing in an empty field and simply shouting at the top of your lungs a big, hearty "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Well everybody, it's officially Christmas (in the midwest...still a few more hours to go farther out west). Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone. Hope everybody's doin' fine, feelin' good, spending time with friends and family, making wonderful memories that you'll be uploading to facebook, myspace, photobucket and imageshack etc... because I'm certainly not.